Adea

Just how long do i have to stay this way? Feeling so lost and uncomfortable in my skin for being related to my family. My life has been nothing but dark and gloomy, I genuinely lack so much love from my family that my heart aches everytime anyone talks about how loving their family is and my tears will always escape my eyes because I wished it was me.

All I could ever experience is feeling like a burden to my family, feeling like an absolute loser outcast who never speaks to anyone. I'm like a stray dog, honestly. I have a home to stop by, but not an owner who truly loves me and would take care of me properly. I feel so weak, so much to the point my bones feels like collapsing just thinking of what i contributed to my family which is definitely nothing.

I want to have a moment where I can hug my parents without feeling so awkward, I want a moment where my mom won't whine at how much of a needy daughter I am and ignore me for my other siblings, I want a moment where I can talk to my father without him getting mad at me or continue looking at his phone. I don't talk to my relatives, I don't even have anyone who cares for me. My Ibu passed away, and it felt like I am slowly losing the love I have only known from her slowly.

I want to be babied, I want to be taken care of, I want to be acknowledged, I want to be kissed repeatedly.

Honestly? I'm good with kids. I've noticed that quite some time ago, my niece and nephew likes and plays with me a lot. There are also this one time where my class went to this classmate of mine's house, and all three children there liked me, played with me and teased me. When I think about it again, I think I spent my time at the function and pool playing with them instead of my classmates. My little brothers.. I don't know, I don't think I'm a good sister to them. My dad and my sister taught me what anger is, and it has been consuming me my whole life to the point I only ever know how to express hatred and grudges instead of vulnerability.

I tend to cry alone, hide my face from them, because they would just get angrier. My mom doesn't really care, she would just brush it off as me causing trouble and that my dad just wanted to discipline me. When my sister would hurt me, they never really tried to stop her, unless like I cry very loudly but I have dropped that behaviour because I feel pathetic doing that since it will only result in me getting clowned.

All I ever wanted was a shoulder to cry on, I took the blade and slashed my skin because I wanted to be pitied. Maybe by hurting myself, my parents will finally love me. However, I only received slaps and punishments, getting belittled for my mental illness. Wait, that's a false statement. They don't want to believe I am not well, haha.

Nobody has ever been by my side ever since I was little. I don't have anyone to look up to, nobody wants to take me in to shower me with affections. I'm nothing but a stranger to my own family.

What is it about the human mind that just gets hooked on morbid curiosities? I honestly have been desensitized to so many forms of death because of how good and addicting it just gets to watch people die. This shit is like porn because i really can't pull myself to look away no matter how gruesome the content is, it just reminds me of how pathetic and fragile life truly is.

And in the end, it costed me my anxiety and paranoia progressively getting worse. Sometimes i would just be reminded that anything could happen throughout your day and one simple mistake can lead you to death which immediately made me feel uneasy as fuck. This is genuinely ruining my life because the amount of worry and concerns i would experience is nothing but depressing.

It just shows how you can't trust anyone, not even yourself. Especially when i have such a shitty mental health, i could seriously end up harming myself or others and i can never understand why we are the way we are. There are literally people on the brink of committing a murder around you and just imagine if they acted onto their intrusive thoughts.

I hate how gore fuels my curiosity

I don't care much about music genres, i don't like pop as much because of how generic it sounds but i FUUUUUUUCKiNG HATEEEEE those coquette sounding songs. I know they fall under numerous genres, but you get the idea bruh. I want to listen to them because i just want to feel feminine and dreamy, but turns out the whole song sucks so bad and it's only the Tiktok part that gave it justice.

Yes the whole point of these songs revolves around romantic attraction towards men, and yes there are some retards going around infantilizing themselves as some kind of toddler or some shit and it makes me so fucking pissed like what the fuck are you doing bro. Most of the time i don't really care, it just irks me but i absolutely hate it when these women are moaning in their mic talm bout sum "daddy wuv me so badly" whatever. I won't name any songs but goddamn stfu

Just so stupid to look at bro i hate these genre of people where they are like so dependent on men to the point they would act like the world will end if men doesn't pay attention to them. Fuck all of you stupid cunts fuck all of you discord e-kitten femcel larper you're just as easy as those men who wants to crack you because they can't pull actual decent women