i hate myself
Jan. 23rd, 2026 07:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
paroxetyneJust how long do i have to stay this way? Feeling so lost and uncomfortable in my skin for being related to my family. My life has been nothing but dark and gloomy, I genuinely lack so much love from my family that my heart aches everytime anyone talks about how loving their family is and my tears will always escape my eyes because I wished it was me.
All I could ever experience is feeling like a burden to my family, feeling like an absolute loser outcast who never speaks to anyone. I'm like a stray dog, honestly. I have a home to stop by, but not an owner who truly loves me and would take care of me properly. I feel so weak, so much to the point my bones feels like collapsing just thinking of what i contributed to my family which is definitely nothing.
I want to have a moment where I can hug my parents without feeling so awkward, I want a moment where my mom won't whine at how much of a needy daughter I am and ignore me for my other siblings, I want a moment where I can talk to my father without him getting mad at me or continue looking at his phone. I don't talk to my relatives, I don't even have anyone who cares for me. My Ibu passed away, and it felt like I am slowly losing the love I have only known from her slowly.
I want to be babied, I want to be taken care of, I want to be acknowledged, I want to be kissed repeatedly.
Honestly? I'm good with kids. I've noticed that quite some time ago, my niece and nephew likes and plays with me a lot. There are also this one time where my class went to this classmate of mine's house, and all three children there liked me, played with me and teased me. When I think about it again, I think I spent my time at the function and pool playing with them instead of my classmates. My little brothers.. I don't know, I don't think I'm a good sister to them. My dad and my sister taught me what anger is, and it has been consuming me my whole life to the point I only ever know how to express hatred and grudges instead of vulnerability.
I tend to cry alone, hide my face from them, because they would just get angrier. My mom doesn't really care, she would just brush it off as me causing trouble and that my dad just wanted to discipline me. When my sister would hurt me, they never really tried to stop her, unless like I cry very loudly but I have dropped that behaviour because I feel pathetic doing that since it will only result in me getting clowned.
All I ever wanted was a shoulder to cry on, I took the blade and slashed my skin because I wanted to be pitied. Maybe by hurting myself, my parents will finally love me. However, I only received slaps and punishments, getting belittled for my mental illness. Wait, that's a false statement. They don't want to believe I am not well, haha.
Nobody has ever been by my side ever since I was little. I don't have anyone to look up to, nobody wants to take me in to shower me with affections. I'm nothing but a stranger to my own family.
All I could ever experience is feeling like a burden to my family, feeling like an absolute loser outcast who never speaks to anyone. I'm like a stray dog, honestly. I have a home to stop by, but not an owner who truly loves me and would take care of me properly. I feel so weak, so much to the point my bones feels like collapsing just thinking of what i contributed to my family which is definitely nothing.
I want to have a moment where I can hug my parents without feeling so awkward, I want a moment where my mom won't whine at how much of a needy daughter I am and ignore me for my other siblings, I want a moment where I can talk to my father without him getting mad at me or continue looking at his phone. I don't talk to my relatives, I don't even have anyone who cares for me. My Ibu passed away, and it felt like I am slowly losing the love I have only known from her slowly.
I want to be babied, I want to be taken care of, I want to be acknowledged, I want to be kissed repeatedly.
Honestly? I'm good with kids. I've noticed that quite some time ago, my niece and nephew likes and plays with me a lot. There are also this one time where my class went to this classmate of mine's house, and all three children there liked me, played with me and teased me. When I think about it again, I think I spent my time at the function and pool playing with them instead of my classmates. My little brothers.. I don't know, I don't think I'm a good sister to them. My dad and my sister taught me what anger is, and it has been consuming me my whole life to the point I only ever know how to express hatred and grudges instead of vulnerability.
I tend to cry alone, hide my face from them, because they would just get angrier. My mom doesn't really care, she would just brush it off as me causing trouble and that my dad just wanted to discipline me. When my sister would hurt me, they never really tried to stop her, unless like I cry very loudly but I have dropped that behaviour because I feel pathetic doing that since it will only result in me getting clowned.
All I ever wanted was a shoulder to cry on, I took the blade and slashed my skin because I wanted to be pitied. Maybe by hurting myself, my parents will finally love me. However, I only received slaps and punishments, getting belittled for my mental illness. Wait, that's a false statement. They don't want to believe I am not well, haha.
Nobody has ever been by my side ever since I was little. I don't have anyone to look up to, nobody wants to take me in to shower me with affections. I'm nothing but a stranger to my own family.
